Eating + my emotions

r I’ve been going through a wave of emotions for a while now, not sure what to make of it all.  The funny thing that I’ve realized is that my body takes a toll when I am stressed.  It feels like everything is tightening up, especially my throat and stomach.

It feels like I need to make more time and space for me to be me.  Even if people get mad or don’t like it.

I feel like I don’t want to eat when I’m stressed.  I don’t have the appetite or energy to eat well, so I either eat very little or sometimes, I don’t feel like eating at all.  It’s a really weird feeling and I find it hard to explain to people because I feel like they won’t understand.  I also feel ashamed for not knowing how to get out of my rut.

In these times, I feel like I’m breaking down, physically and mentally.  I would break down in fits of tears and anger when I felt like I was being attacked.  I just didn’t know WHY things were happening the way they were happening.  I felt alone, isolated and like I was the only one going through it.  Though the more I share, I realize that others are also going through similar feelings.

I had lost my job earlier last year and it took a long time (I thought!) for me to process.  I didn’t think it would hit me that hard and the most challenging part was not being able to fully express myself and talk about it.  It was a shock to my system, as I had been given excellent feedback and was working extremely hard in my job.  So I was at a loss when suddenly, it felt like my identity had been taken away from me.  I had also been going through relationship challenges at the same time.  I kept asking questions and searching for answers, but I was left with nothing.

Just empty space.

I felt as though my heart was ripped out of me and in turn, my stomach had also felt like it was non-existent.  It felt so raw to give so much to everyone else and to suddenly have it all ripped apart, made me feel sick inside.  I thought it was my fault and felt like life was working against me.  I stopped feeling energetic, vital and happy.  I stopped feeling the gratitude inside my heart.

I hid into feeling sad and angry and loss all enjoyment for all the things that I used to love, which included eating.  I had enjoyed eating so much previously, and because of all the emotions that I could not process and all the feelings that could not understand, I lost my motivation to eat and I could barely sleep.

I knew rationally, that I had to keep eating, though I just did not feel like it and my palate for food had changed.  I was constantly worried about my weight even though I wasn’t aware of it.  Weird thoughts came running through my brain and I just could not stop them.

I felt like I had to constantly exercise.  Though as I was barely eating much, I would find myself exhausted as someone mentioned that I could be ‘over exercising.’  I had never thought about that before.

I felt like I couldn’t be overweight.

I felt like I had to look a certain way to play the part in Silicon Valley.  The person who had it all.  The person who had a great physique, who was successful and who held it all together.

I felt like a failure inside.  I felt like I didn’t do enough to keep my job or my relationship.

I blamed myself for all the craziness that was happening, not realizing that it wasn’t about me.  I had taken everything so personally that I started spinning in my emotions and felt like I was internally and externally broken.

I lost the faith, love and confidence that I once had in myself.  I could barely recognize myself in the mirror.  I lost the motivation to get out of my ‘home clothes’ and didn’t want to leave my apartment.

I wasn’t working, so I didn’t think that I could afford to buy food in one of the most expensive cities in the world.  I felt pressured by time and every moment mattered.  I needed so badly to pay rent so that I wouldn’t be homeless.  Above all, I felt like no one else really understood what I was going through.

I would walk into the aisles of Whole Foods and aimlessly wander, not knowing if I could afford food for the next week.  It would take me forever to finally decide what to buy as in my head, I was constantly second guessing my decisions.

I kept listening to Justin Bieber’s ‘Love Myself’ song and tried so hard to put those words into practice, though I found myself spinning around and around.  It just felt like I couldn’t do anything right!

There were days where I felt mentally and physically sick.  Feeling like I didn’t have the energy to do anything or see anyone.

Deep down inside, I knew that I had to change for things to get better.

It took a change in my environment to get me to start enjoying food again.  I moved home with my family and started enjoying home-cooking again – food made with love, as my cousin calls it.  I attended family dinners where there was an abundance of food and the joy that came with actually enjoying a meal.  My mom cooked me my favourite meals to encourage me to want to eat again.

I am so grateful that I was forced to take care of myself again.  I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to be in a more ‘resourceful’ state where I can make better quality decisions.  It’s a daily challenge and I’ve now realized that these ups and downs are normal, people just don’t talk about it.

Thank you to those who have been there, you’ve made all the difference in the world.

I’ve been using this healing mantra to calm and it’s been a great reminder to ground myself.  Hope that you also enjoy it too!

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